Mind Game

OK -- you have a normal route you drive, be it to work or a friend's house or wherever. You've driven it a hundred times and know it like the back of your hand, right? Or do you?

Next time you're on that route, imagine an historical figure is in the passenger seat. Your choice. And explain to them what they are seeing in terms THEY will understand. Keep in mind their frame of reference. You won't have to explain a car to JFK, but for Ben Franklin you will. Lights, signs, actions -- anything that would not exist in their time must be described. You might be amazed at all the things on that route you've never really noticed before.

Then again, you could just crank up the tunes and veg out like normal. Whatever.

Seeing is believing....

or is it?

Go out tonight and look up at the stars (admittedly something easier for those of us living in the country than our city-dwelling cousins). You are looking at something that never existed the way you are seeing it.

Think about it. Light travels at a finite speed according to Einstein. The distance to stars is measured in light-years, or the number of years it takes light to reach your eyes from the star. So when you look at a star that is, say, 2000 light years away, you are actually seeing what that star was like 2000 years ago. It could have exploded into nothingness yesterday....but you won't see it for another two millenia!

Now, every star is a different distance away from Earth, and so the timeline of what you see in the sky at night covers an almost unimagineable span of time. You are seeing some stars where they were fifty years ago; others a few centuries ago; and still others millenia ago. But since the universe is in motion, the actual relation of one star to another at this exact moment in time is not what you see, and in fact, you will NEVER see it.

Stars, suns, planets and other astonomical phenomena may have come and gone...and we won't know it for centuries or longer.

Heretical musing

Main Entry: he·ret·i·cal
Pronunciation: h&-'re-ti-k&l
1: of, relating to, or characterized by heresy
2 : of, relating to, or characterized by departure from accepted beliefs or standards

Unlike many in radio today, I think computer automation has some very big positives. Yes, it has eliminated some announcer positions and led to vanilla-programming with little or no local content. But that's not automation's fault. It's just what people have done with it.

I voice-track almost all my shows. I'm notorious for not having a damned thing ready to say when I turn on the mic, so voice-tracking allows me multiple chances to get each voice break just the way I want it. And, I'm a rarity in this business -- I do NOT like being on the air live. It's just not something I enjoy. So for me personally, automation allows me to do a better job and enjoy what I do a little more.

But there's another aspect to automation. I took a lot of flak on some regional radio discussion boards when I chose to fully automate our weekend programming on one station. Yes, it eliminated a couple of part-time positions, including one very talented announcer who, although high maintenance, brought a fresh sound to the air. But it wasn't a cost-cutting move designed to fatten the purses of already well-off owners. It was a way to reward my full-time announcers with some long-delayed and much needed pay raises. By using the computer automation system during non-rated hours, I am able to pay the hard-working people who make the station a success a little more of a living wage. It's a hard choice to make. Sure, I'd love to have the station live 24/7 -- but that just ain't gonna happen. So, do you go live as much as possible and pay everyone the lowest possible wage? Or do you value your people, pay them as much as you possibly can within your budget, and automate when necessary to afford it? I chose to place my value in the people I have.

Automated does not have to be a synonym for bad. If you voice-track locally; if you have someone on site to plug requests into the queue; if you make every effort to keep the live local sound even during automated hours, then you can do good radio with automation. It still comes down to content.

Automation is simply a tool. It's how you use it that determines whether it's good or bad.

The Great Port Debate

One of my co-workers asked me today what I thought about the Bush/UAE port debacle. And I had to answer that I honestly didn't know enough about it to know WHAT I thought. All I'd really heard up to that point was the sound-bite debates with little or no facts to back them up.

Well, now I've researched it a little more. Slate magazine has a good explanation here of exactly what a port operator does. In that context, it would be easy enough to say that it doesn't really matter if it's a Middle Eastern country (emirate) or Walmart who runs the port. But unfortunately, there are other concerns.

One is port security in time of war or conflict. While most military shipping for the current operations (wars?) in Afghanistan and Iraq is originating in Navy controlled ports, there is still a substantial amount of materiel carried by the merchant shipping industry. And in a major effort, such as the buildup prior to Desert Storm or what would be required should the Middle East tinderbox finally explode, those civilian ports would be crucial to the military effort. I think that, under those circumstances, having ANY foreign company controlling those ports would be short-sighted at best, and disasterous at worst.

There is the realpolitik argument that forging economic ties with the UAE and other so-called moderate Middle Eastern governments works in our favor. After all, if an attack on our soil harms OUR economy, or so the argument goes, it would also harm THEIR economy. And therefore, the logical assumption is that they will do whatever they can to prevent such an attack from occurring. I think such reasoning was sound during the Cold War when we were dealing with governments and nations that, culturally at least, were similar to our own. But that is simply NOT the case now. We are dealing with cultures that see nothing wrong with rioting, destroying property and killing because of cartoons! Can we safely assume that economic issues have the same importance to those cultures that they do to us? I think to do so is foolish. Tying our economy to those of moderate Middle Eastern governments does NOT ensure that they will work to protect those ties, but rather gives us a false sense of security and complacency. If, for religious and/or cultural reasons, those goverments see fit to do use harm, I do not think mere economic ties will be enough to forestall them.

We need to lose the "Cold War" mentality in international relations and realize that the rules have changed. And rule number one is that the other guy HAS no rules.

I am not generally a member of the "Blame Bush First" club...but this time, he blew it. And he needs to admit it, back down and move on.

Speaking of viruses....

those worthless, bottom-feeding, testicle-lacking mama's boys who sit around writing computer viruses should be stripped naked, covered with peanut butter and tossed into the nearest rat-infested sewer until they finally succumb to the agony of a million small bites!

No, I don't have a computer virus. But after sitting through a 20-minute download of the newest anti-virus files, and the newest download of anti-spyware files, and running scans for this and scans for that and scans for whatever else is out there, I have wasted hours of my time just to prevent those infected boils on the body of computing humanity from having their jollies with my system!

May they rot in hell.

Sneaky little virus!

Seems that sneaky little virus that kicked my ass and stole my voice migrated east. Dave Morris got a little taste of it. But it must have weakened. I know Dave. He's a wimp. If he got the virus I had, he'd be curled up like a ball, whining for his Mama!

(just kiddin', Dave. And glad you didn't lose that golden voice)

The Sounds of Silence

I have no voice. It's a strange situation for a radio announcer. I feel fine. I just can't talk. There's this strange croaking sound emanating from my throat that vaguely resembles human speech, but is barely intelligible. What a revoltin' development!

Just kill me now and get it over with!

God I feel terrible. I can handle the headache, body aches, coughing, sneezing and all that. Its the feeling of old,rancid 50-weight motor oil trickling down the back of my throat and rendering my vocal cords useless that is driving me NUTS! And the sloshing from the general direction of my lungs isn't exactly thrilling me.

I'm going back to bed.


"There is no more pathetic creature in the world than an American male with a cold"

Sorry. Not A Winner

Oh well, I didn't win the Powerball tonight. Somebody in Nebraska did. Congrats to them. I didn't even need to know someone in Nebraska won to know I didn't. I don't even have to check my numbers.

Sorry. Not a winner.

I hate the friggin' machine in the convenience store where you scan your ticket to see if you've won.

Sorry. Not a winner.

I swear that's all the machine is programmed to say. At least that's all it ever says to me. I've never won a single nickel on the Powerball.

Sorry. Not a winner.

I can almost hear the damned machine snicker as I walk away.

Let's get philosophical!

Everybody get their leg warmers and headbands on and away we...oh wait....that's "let get physical." Sorry.

"Philosophical" is late at night, when you're drunk and/or stoned. It's broad daylight now, and I'm not drunk and I gave up the other decades ago. I never took any philosophy courses in college either. That seemed even more lame than political science, which I DID take.

(An aside -- what do you DO with a philosophy degree? Do you ponder the existential meaning to the question "paper or plastic?" or do you just bag the groceries and smile at the customer?)

Anyway, here goes:

We are the sum of our experiences. Life is a series of choices. That's my philosophy in a nutshell.

And I choose to leave it at that. For now.

Simple pleasures

To me, there are few things that top reading while I eat. I picked up the habit as a kid. I'd come home from school (latchkey kid), get out the Oreos and milk and read. And read. And read. I read the World Book Encyclopedia (NERD ALERT!) I read old Reader's Digests. I read Time, Life, US News & World Report, cereal boxes, newspapers. Whatever I could get my hands on. Hell, I even read ingredient lists and nutrition information on the ketchup bottle at a restaurant. And my greatest pleasure is, of all things, the KC Star. I got a subscription to the Star as a Christmas present this year, and it's been one of the best presents I've ever received. (oh god...I hope their marketing department never finds THAT sentence!) But when I'm dining alone, which is far too often, nothing provides a fine dinner companion like the paper. I read all the little filler items. I read the classifieds. I read all of it....except the front section! Yeah, I know. The only section with news and I skip it. But what the hell. Today's headlines don't do anything to help the digestion, do they?

Another simple pleasure is crossword puzzles. (DOUBLE NERD ALERT) I'm addicted. Maybe that's one reason I like the Star. Their daily puzzles are far too easy, but the New York Times puzzle in the classified section does present a challenge. I go through books of crosswords at home, too. While I'm in the recliner (MIDDLE AGED NERD ALERT) watching the NFL network, nothing passes the time like working on a crossword. I laughingly refer to my addiction as "vocabulary development".

But you know, crosswords DID once actually come in handy. This past summer, I took off on a driving trip through South Dakota. At one motel, I was outside having a smoke when I heard a group of people nearby discussing the words that crop up all to often in crossword puzzles. Like nene, adit, eero...there are just some words that you always run into. And for some reason, I -- the ultimate introvert -- was drawn into the conversation. Turns out they were all volunteers working at a nearby paleontological dig called the Mammoth Site. I had seen the signs and figured it was just another tourist trap. But in reality, it was an ancient sinkhole that contains the skeletal remains of dozens of prehistoric mammoths. They convinced me to take the tour the next day, and when they saw me, they came up out of the pit and took me down into history. I actually got to touch the remains of an animal that has been dead for millenia. It was SO cool! And if it weren't for overhearing that conversation, it would never have happened.

And now that I've typed all this out, it sounds really hokey and kind of embarrassing. But I guess that what blogs are at times.

HEY CANADA --

You can take your stinkin' air mass back anytime now!


D-D-D-D-Damn its c-c-c-c-cold!!!

A personal rant

“But I don’t listen to your type of music.”

If there has ever been a lamer excuse for not advertising on a particular radio station, then I don’t know what it could be.

We have two stations, one country – the other classic rock. And when a sales rep comes back and says a client won’t advertise on one or the other because they don’t listen to that type of music, IT MAKES ME CRAZY!!!

I understand and appreciate that, with a limited ad budget, some businesspeople choose to support programming that they personally enjoy. More power to them. But come on – you’re in business, people! Does the sign on your door say “proudly serving only country music listeners throughout the area”????? Just because you don’t listen, does that mean people who do listen won’t need your particular product or service?

The other variation is “my customers don’t listen to that type of music.” Talk about your self-fulfilling prophesy! If only people that listen to country (or classic rock or news/talk or oldies or whatever) HEAR your ad, then those are the only people that are going to come into your place of business. DUH!

(Disclaimer: Now you know why the sales staff and upper management keep me locked in my office and as far away from clients as possible. Tact is NOT my strong suite when confronted with short-sighted stupidity)

Why you can't afford to shop at Walmart

How can anyone who works in small-market radio shop at Walmart? Yeah, I know. The pay’s so lousy that you can’t afford to shop anywhere else. But think about it. If you, of all people, don’t support the local mom & pop stores WHO PAY YOUR SALARY, then they will go the way of the dodo. And when enough of them are swallowed up by the Black Hole of Bentonville, you’ll go the same way.

(DISCLAIMER: my S/O owns Walmart stock. I still hate the company and all they stand for.)

Do I shop at Walmart? Unfortunately, yes. But only if what I am looking for is simply not available anywhere else within our market area. Do I shop at some other large chain stores, like K-Mart? And isn’t that just as bad? Yes, I do shop at K-Mart, and no, I don’t think it’s just as bad. For one thing, I worked at K-mart in high school and my early college years, so I have kind of a soft spot for the place. Secondly, while K-Mart does no more local advertising than Wally World, they are not quite so predatory in their pricing, pay scales and business practices. And again, if what I need is available at Mom & Pop’s….I try to go there first. Do I pay more? You bet. Does that mean I can’t buy everything I want as soon as I want? Yep. But if I don’t support the very people who support me, then let’s just close the doors, turn out the lights and let the Walmarts and Clear Channels of the world take over.

Of course, the reverse should also be true. Do your local mom & pop stores buy advertising on your station? Or do they complain that you’re more expensive than the corporately-owned station across town that low-balls ad rates in an attempt to starve your station into providing poor service and programming like they do? Our sales reps are always complaining that clients won’t buy because our rates are too high. Well, excuuuuuuuse me, but having live people on the air 24/7 costs money! Having a full-time news department costs money! Having someone here to monitor the weather and warn you if something severe is headed toward you takes money!

Sometimes I wish I could ask those business people a simple question…

"Why should people shop in your store when they can get the same thing for less money at (gasp) Walmart?"

I imagine their reaction, at least after they calmed down, would be something to the effect of better personal service, being part of the community, standing behind what they sell with a reputation earned over years of service. Okay, I buy that. THAT’S WHY WE’RE MORE EXPENSIVE TOO!!!!

Ever notice how average ad rates increase substantially in a consolidated market? Once the big media companies have bought or bankrupted the competition, they can raise rates whenever and however they want. And the clients have little choice. Either pay the higher rates or don’t advertise, which in any business is the first step toward shutting the doors. And retail is somewhat the same way. You think Walmart’s prices stay as low after they become the only retail outlet in a community? Yeah, right.

Or even worse, if the doom-and-gloom crowd is right about the future of terrestrial radio, and satellite radio becomes the primary, if not only, option….then what’s left for the local businessperson who needs to get their message out to consumers? TV? Not in smaller markets like ours. Print? Yeah, but talk about adding expenses to already stretched bottom line. Radio is and should remain the one affordable alternative for local business….the last refuge, if you will, of hometown capitalism.

It takes a cooperative effort between locally-owned stations and locally-owned businesses to face the onslaught of the mega-corps. And it takes long-term thinking…not just "What can I afford to do this week?" but "What must I afford to do if I want to be here next year?" And yes, long-term thinking in the radio business is as scarce, if not more so, than in the retail/business world.

Okay, so I’m a utopian. I believe that what small market broadcasters do is important to their communities, and that communities should appreciate and support those efforts. But it goes both ways, people. If you work in small-market radio….you cannot afford to shop at Walmart!

So, what do you REALLY do?

My Significant Other has been working on an assignment for her Human Resources Management class. She’s had to write job descriptions for several positions and then compose employment ads to fill those positions. And it got me to thinking….does your job description REALLY explain what you do?

Take Randy Raley, for instance. Randy is the Affiliate Relations Manager for the news networks of Learfield Communications. While I don’t know his exact job description, I imagine it runs something like this:

"Maintain personal contact with affiliate stations to facilitate communication and optimal delivery of network services. Serve as liaison between affiliates and network departments and attempt to extend and expand affiliate use of network services."

But does that describe what he DOES? Not even close. Yeah, he travels over umpteen states and visits affiliate stations in markets large, medium, small and infinitesimal. He brings the latest good words from the network and asks if there are any problems. But he does so much more. He brings ideas. Whether it’s the gospel of podcasting from the High Priest of RSS Steve Mays, or just the programming or promotion idea that a similar station in another state is having success with, Randy is more than just an Affiliate Relations Manager for a radio network. He’s his OWN network, bringing his years of experience to stations across the Midwest in an attempt to keep this thing we call radio viable and profitable.

So how about the lowly, small-market announcer/DJ/air personality? Does a job description really describe what they do?

"Deliver station programming in such a way as to optimize listeners’ experience. Play all scheduled commercials and network programs. Monitor weather and news wires and relay necessary information. Monitor transmitters and other equipment to ensure that station is operating under legal guidelines of the FCC. Blah blah blah blah blah…"

Where does that job description include being the voice in the night so a little old lady knows she’s not alone in the world? Where does it mention letting the contractor know if he needs to pour concrete this morning because it’s gonna rain this afternoon? How do you quantify letting working parents know that the school is letting out early today and they need to make arrangements for their kids? How do you train to help a child find their lost pet?

Are you more than your job description? And if not…..why not?

So you made a mistake...

There are three basic causes of mistakes in the workplace. Ignorance, stupidity and carelessness. They are not synonyms. Ignorance is a lack of knowledge. Stupidity, on the other hand, is having knowledge and not using it. Carelessness is being stupid and not really giving a shit that you are.

I can forgive the first. If you don't know something, there's no shame in admitting it. That's better than pretending you DO know and then screwing things up beyond all belief. A lack of knowledge can be corrected. It can be addressed. It can be forgiven.

Stupidity -- well, that's different. If you know how to do something right and then screw it up, that's a bit harder to forgive. But since it does eventually happen to everyone, just admit your mistake and don't repeat it. Don't blame it on the "other guy" or the full moon or the fact that the Steelers won the Super Bowl. Stand up, face your mistake, learn from it and move on.

Ah, but that leaves carelessness. It's the closest thing to a mortal sin in my book. If you can't take enough pride in yourself to at least TRY to do something correctly, then I don't even begin to know how to relate to you. And you won't last long in any workplace in the world, with the possible exception of government.

PC ALERT: The above opinion is not considered politically correct and may cause some employees and/or co-workers to feel that their self-esteem has been injured. Tough shit.

I'm not so sure about this, but here goes....

I’m not so sure about this blogging thing. I enjoy reading them, and yeah, I have all these random thoughts and heretical musings that I need to get off my chest. After all, walking around muttering them to myself is giving me somewhat of a seedy reputation. But blogging?

Not only does blogging seem far too trendy for me, there’s also this “oh my god, I just expressed a personal opinion” thing going on. I was a news reporter for better than a decade, and while I was never God’s gift to journalism, I did try (and mostly succeed) in keeping my personal opinions and biases out of my work. And the best training for that is to just KEEP YOUR PERSONAL OPINIONS PERSONAL. If you KNOW someone’s opinions, then you can and probably will read them into anything that person produces as a reporter. But keep ‘em to yourself, and try your best to approach every subject as objectively as possible, and most people would be hard-pressed to discern your personal opinion from your work. I always thought that’s what reporters were SUPPOSED to do…as opposed to journalists, who seem to pride themselves on interjecting their supposedly superior knowledge into any subject by “interpreting” it for their listener/reader. And yeah, I know that was one helluva run-on sentence, but at least blogs don’t have editors!

Anyway, that’s all my long-winded way of saying that writing my opinions down and posting them on the web is gonna be difficult. But then again, I guess that’s what I just did….and it didn’t hurt a bit. At least, it didn’t hurt to write it. Reading it could be another matter, but hey, if you don’t like it, just click yourself to somewhere else on the web and ignore my ramblings